Come, come now. I have a possibly touchy topic to dive into today, but I want you to know that what I am writing about today is being written with good intentions. I’m going to be writing about why my intentions do not matter. Ironic, right? I try to keep you on your toes. Let me explain. 

I had an extremely uncomfortable situation happen to me recently that honestly shook me to my core. I may talk about this situation later on, but right now is not the time. This particular situation with another person was so shocking because I did not perceive the person to be this way. I had been hoodwinked, bamboozled! I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had to tell someone. So I did. I was explaining to my friend how this person was so nice, and how I think it was just a misunderstanding. My friend’s next words are words that I resonated with me so much that I had to share them. She said, “Intentions don’t dictate impact. A nice person that did some fucked up shit. Unfortunately it happens. Being nice does not invalidate how something makes you feel in that moment.” *insert mic drop gif or jaw dropping shocked gif* 

Impact over intentions. Period. That goes for any situation in life. It does not matter what your intentions were if the receiving party does not see it that way, then my intentions are invalid. I mean, that is the basic communication process. I will insert a picture below from Lumen Learning for reference. 

You have two people and message, or in this case, one person with an intention directed towards another person. There are many other factors that go into play before they ever reach your intended target, which some are out of your control. So really, receiver may not get your message the way you intended. Then they are only left with the impact of whatever you said/did. Your intentions do not get a pass to invalidate how your actions made that person feel. Your intentions only make you feel better. No one else. 

This was so good to my soul I had to share with another friend, and she made some great points too. I stan deep thinking queens. She said that was a lesson she had to learn that the hard way. “My intention doesn’t matter because of the impact of my behavior/actions/decision or lack of the aforementioned.” Like, come on my girl! One big question that was raised was, so what can someone do to be more impactful if my intentions don’t matter? The convo went from there, and I will highlight the key points. 

• Know your audience in ANY situation. 

Who are you talking to/ doing something for? Do you have an idea on how this might affect that person? Are there events that have happened or are happening that could influence how the audience perceives what you’re doing? Know your audience and study all the avenues you can take to reach them before setting off on your voyage of intention. If you can’t answer any of the questions I listed  (and honestly even if you can), then keep reading. It gets better. 

• Ask Consent

Yes, ask consent. This can apply to almost all situations when you are unsure. It could be in situations where it’s “Is it okay to vent to you right now? Do you have space to talk about ___? Do you have the energy for ___? Can I touch your hair? Is it okay if I touch you like this?” Yes, all of those type of situations. But what if I want to surprise someone? Well then be prepared for whatever reaction you get back. You can’t control anyone’s reaction, you can only control what you do. 

• Be an active listener 

LISTEN! Close your mouth, stop listening to respond, and listen to comprehend. Your listening skills dictate your thoughts which dictate your actions. If you are unsure about an action you are wanting to make, think back to conversations around the topic if you have any and apply what you heard/picked up on to what you want to do. Actively listen to the person and participate in the conversation for understanding. Ask follow up questions for clarification. And if you’re not interested in doing that, then you’re truly not invested in that audience enough – in my opinion. Listen to your audience through their words and actions. Body language is so important! Making an attempt to be able to understand body language and certain cues are key.

It’s important to be intentional but we need to start being intentional of our impact. Communication is apart of everything we do, and there are two main steps you can take to help you be more impactful in your everyday actions. If you read until the end, you are a real one! I hope you take something away from this and apply it however you see fit. Intentions are important, but intentions are only important in that moment. Your impact can last forever.